EVERYTHING YOU ALWAYS
WANTED TO KNOW ABOUT SHOWDOGS:

ANGULATION
Degree to which dog handlers will bend over backwards to impress the judges.

BALANCE
How to arrange the checkbook so your spouse won't know how much money you spent on dog shows last month. Usually done in the bathroom with the door locked.

BITCH
A. Name for a lady dog.
B. Name often overheard at dog shows, not always to describe dogs.

COAT
The hairy covering of a dog that usually falls out about one week before the big Specialty show.

DAM
A. A lady dog with children.
B. Expression frequently overheard at dog shows as losers leave the show ring.

ELBOW
Method of getting to ringside when late.

EXPRESSION
"Sweet" look adopted by dogs while staring ravenously at chunks of liver.

FANCIER
Degree to which some gentlemen handlers dress more than others.

FEATHERING
What winners are accused of doing to judges' nests.

FRONT
Part of the dog often stacked toward the outside of the ring.

HEEL
A. How you feel when your dog beats the one you had just sold to an eager novice.
B. Expression often screamed to attract the attention of deaf dogs.

HEIGHT
As in "Maximum Allowed," a measurement which all champions fall under by AT LEAST 1/8 inch.

HOCK
A way of financing your dog shows by the use of jewelry such as wedding rings.

KENNEL
Where you go when the kids fight and your spouse yells at you.

LITTER
A. Trash left all over the building and parking lot after a dog show.
B. A family of puppies - see definition below.

MUZZLE
What to put on your kids at a dog show to prevent them from calling your competition what they overheard you call him last night.

NOSEPRINTS
Cute marks left all over your French doors.

OUTCROSSING
What your spouse tells the minister you are doing out in the kennel with the dog and the bitch.

POINTS
Minute, invisible awards for winning which you cannot convince your spouse are more important than cash prizes.

PUPPIES
Small, dog like food-processing machines with the ability to stink up an entire house and collectively deafen a band of magpies (These creatures have not yet been perfected, as they come with a leaky system, and can also be dangerous to weak hearts and bank accounts.)

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